Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder?
Tuesday, 26 November 2024
| Andrea Do Santos
Abstaining from sex until marriage is a Christian principle you might hear mentioned in an age-appropriate Youth Group, but in 20 years of being a Christian, it’s not something I’ve heard about in a sermon or read much about in Christian literature. Which is interesting because, aside from the children and married couples in church, all remaining folk are all single. Is abstinence from sex still required once you’re an adult? Divorced? Had kids?
The general reluctance to talk about sex in the church may be doing some a disservice. I’m not coming from a fire and brimstone, legalistic angle on this topic. There’s been enough shame and guilt related to sex throughout church history; no need to beat a dead horse here. But when it comes to sex before marriage, I’ve heard varied opinions. Some adult Christians, having obediently remained abstinent, seem to rush to get married. Others, often Christians who have been divorced, have quietly told me they did have sex before they got married to each other. ‘We’re grown adults, after all.’ They explain. ‘And we knew we were getting married.’ Fair enough.
Still others, often when they’ve had children of their own from former relationships, chose to live together. ‘We want to see how things go before we get married. But we’re engaged.’ Again, no judgement from me.
What I haven’t come across, in 20 years, is meeting an adult Christian who has chosen to abstain until marriage, even though they have already experienced sexual intimacy. So, I thought I’d share my experience here.
I recommitted to Christianity not long after having my son. I was 28 years old and, though raised in a Catholic household, I’d also been taught some very liberal views towards sex.
I had also experienced sexual trauma both as a child and into early adulthood. Most victims of sexual trauma often respond in two ways. One is to become terrified of sexual intimacy and avoid sex. The other is to become promiscuous and place excessive importance on both their sexuality and the sexual act. I was the latter. Emotionally my heart was cold and cut off from men. I was also fuelled by feminist teachings that said that neither the church nor the patriarchy has the right to tell you what to do with your body. I saw myself as an empowered young woman, free to use my sexuality in whatever way I wanted.
But when I found myself pregnant and alone at 27, I started to question how I had been living my life. For one, the father of my child was someone I did not know very well. For example, I didn’t know he was married until after I became pregnant. I could see that finding myself in a situation where I barely knew the person I was sleeping with was no one else’s fault but my own.
I was facing becoming a single parent. I could see my life had become chaotic. I did not feel smart or empowered. I started praying to the Christian God because, from what I had been taught, He was a forgiving God and only He could help ‘fix’ whatever was wrong in me that had led to my current situation.
Those prayers then turned into reading the Bible and by the time my son was 6 months old I had recommitted to Jesus and was attending church regularly. Before I had my son, I had been involved in different types of community work with young people. The church had a popular youth group and so I got involved with them. This was the first time I came across Christian teachings on abstinence. While we did not run the program for our youth group (they were probably a bit too young), I did go over the material on my own. And I was really surprised by what I discovered!
For one, studies showed that the later a girl lost her virginity, the more likely she was to finish high school and go onto university studies. I also know from a program I was involved in, where we went to high schools to teach about the dangers of relationship violence, that the younger a girl is when she first experiences relationship violence, the more likely she will continue to experience domestic violence as she grows older. At the time, relationship violence was becoming commonplace for girls 14-18. Just from a practical point view, I could see that girls were more likely to succeed in life if they waited until they were older before having serious romantic relationships or losing their virginity. Even if they waited until they were in their twenties, the odds of completing high school, going to university and not experiencing relationship violence greatly improved.
Looking back on my teen years, I could see I didn’t have the emotional maturity to cope with the intense connection that is formed when one is sexually intimate with another. Nor did I have the life experience to recognise when my boyfriend was manipulating me or exploiting me. As a teenager, I thought the intense emotions and dramas we went through as a ‘couple’ was love. But I could see it now; he was very abusive. Although I did finish high school, the experience with the boyfriend set me up to accept abusive behaviour from other men. This felt ‘normal’ to me. Once I came across more Christian teachings on the sanctity of marriage, I saw that the sexual experiences in my twenties weren’t empowering. I felt incredibly used and I had used others. There was no love, respect or dignity in those encounters.
The more I learned about how to maintain one’s character in Christ, Christian courtship and Christian marriage, the more I felt empowered as a Christian woman. The reality is: the wrong kind of man quickly disappears when he understands you have no intentions of sleeping with him.
I learned how to respect and value myself. That said, as much as I aspired to wait until marriage, I also stumbled. I was involved with a Christian man, and things became sexual much too soon. Eventually I found out he had been cheating on me. I was devastated. Not only was I hurt by his betrayal, but I was angry at myself for physically giving myself to a man who neither loved nor respected me. It was also obvious that marriage was never on the cards.
As much as it was painful, what this experience showed me was that the Lord had been working on my heart and character in the years that I had been abstaining. In the past, I felt no emotional attachment to my lovers. I couldn’t have cared less who they were with. But in this relationship, though I didn’t quite ‘love’ the man, I did care deeply for him. I was hurt by his actions. Without me realising, God had renewed my heart, so it was no longer cold. It was now soft, pliable.
I recommitted to abstinence with the understanding that, if I was going to be intimate with a man, he needed to love, respect and treat me with kindness. I only wanted to be with a man who shared the same values and who wanted to build a future together. For me, marriage is the public commitment two people make in declaring their love, respect and value for each other and their desire step into a united future to serve the Lord.
I realised that, if I gave myself to just anyone, I would likely end up hurt and disappointed. God had been doing a work in me. I now had a heart that could be broken. I had to guard it and take great care who I shared it with.
At the time, though I still aspired for a Christ-centred marriage, the hurt from the breakup stirred up a lot of emotions. I was experiencing a deep rage against men. Throughout my life I have experienced violence, trauma and betrayal from men. I was angry! I had no interest in men for a long time. But again, God used that time to heal me.
A lot healing was through prayer ministry and counselling. Other times, God brought good men into my life so I could see they weren’t all evil. The ability to trust men, let alone feeling safe enough to want to date, only recently returned. It is much too soon to know where all this will lead. I feel safe and at peace, knowing God has been doing a good work. He won’t stop until it’s completion. Whether that means marriage in my future, or peace and satisfaction within myself for choosing to abstain, I am not sure. But I have hope in my heart.
Andrea do Santos is an author and artist. She has worked in Mental Health, using her life experience and art workshops to encourage those who are struggling with mental illness. Her self-published novel, Eve's Return, is currently available on Amazon.com. Her website is www.andreadosantos.com and her YouTube channel is https://www.youtube.com/@LuchaLibreLady.
Image credit: Artwork by Andrea Do Santos.
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